Hmmmm

Rough times.

granted i dont ever want this to extend into a blog that is petty and such, wingeing on about 'i hate this' and 'i hurt my leg' blah blah. basically, keep it intelligent and such...with a minimum of crapping on about me. that said...i'll proceed.

you all know me, or should by now. if i had to describe myself in a nutshell..i probably see myself as the biggest asshole i know. i am mean, cruel and harsh. i tend to make a lot of bad jokes, and only really get to show a bit of intillegence if im given time to think about things. im not a man that thinks well on the spot (bar physical conflict, where through MA ive developed skills to think on my feet where that's concerned). On the other side of the coin though, i would probably be one of the most serious and honest people around. i rate this as one of my biggest strengths. i am, when people find it in themselves, very trustworthy. I might threaten to leak things, this only being leverage to get you to do what i want. I never will though.
Physically, im probably not huge or imposing, but as mates know, im not small by any means. Now a few months after i quit the TKD org. i was with (i may someday return to the style, i find it really dynamic - particularly the use of one's kicking leg), i am losing a bit of muscle mass. I look forward to the day i resume physical training in MA. I wouldnt rate myself as terrific looking, probably only above average. i think id have the face that'd blend in well in a crowd - symettrical; not many distinguishing features; scarring, though this is almost invisible now..nothing too bad, nor brilliant.

Psychologically, im a whole different cup of tea. Some people have remarked how i seem to have a few paradoxes - that i listen to the type of music that i do (punk, metal, hardcore, hard rock, and rock itself) and keep my appearance fairly neat and tidy. That i have a very disorganised life but keep my room almost immaculate, it goes on.
I suspect i may be suffering from depression - i dont know the symptoms though, and i dont trust psychologists (even though i have an intrest in that field myself - another paradox)...i tend to internalise all my pain. This leads to me appearing outwardly ok, and inwardly broken/tumultuous. I try not to let it get to me though...i like to laugh at stupid things(such as jess's feral noises). I dont believe in using needle drugs as a rule, but am quite happy to smoke marijuana and cigarettes, if offered them.

Latlely, ive had a bit of a hard time though.

To start with - four months ago my parents split up.
I learn my father was cheating on my mum months before he told us. He claims mum had communication problems. this was a fair claim to make, but considering him, nothing but the pot calling the kettle black. in my living memory i can only remember my dad saying he loved me about 3 times. i dont believe he made a sincere enough effort to save the marriage. i never will.

Then i fail most of the end of year 11 exams - due to the above.

I start this year looking for a better go, a fair chance. This doesnt seem to have been that great - my grandad on mum's side passing away 3 days ago. Im glad he's accomplished what he wanted in life - and he died with two sons at his side. He did all his travel prior to his decline, and had a lot of fun. Sold the house to my uncle who he'd shared the house with for 30-odd years, making things a lot easier. paid for his funeral and everything. A truly great man. I will miss him. Last i remember was helping grandad pull out the ferns in my backyard when he flew up from Melbourne. Dry, but fantastic sense of humor. great man.

So yeah, life hasnt been to fair of late. Ive had Jess to help me through it all, and she's the best girlfriend i couldve ever hoped for. I'm truly happy there.

I'm not complaining. I dont intend to - life goes on, and ive got plenty to look forward to.

Have a great day/night all

P.S. using things way in the past as an excuse for your behaviour these days is bullshit. stop doing it - you know who you are.

posted by Dave @ 7:15 PM